What does it mean? 

I have this love-hate relationship with rain. As long as I can remember I have never liked wet clothes. I spill a juice or get water or something on me. I’m losing my shit.  I also believe that’s why I’m not the biggest fan of swimming, I can appreciate it though.  

I have this memory when I was 21ish. It was late and raining. I text my sister Frankie (the others wouldn’t do it ) and she was hanging out and I said “Aye, you wanna play in the rain with me?” Eagerly she said yea because why not. Hours later we played, talked, and enjoyed each other’s company. Now after all the joy of the moment faded away and we went back to our cars. I was losing my mind inside of my car because now I’m SOAKED. Luckily I had a shirt in the car that was long enough to cover me completely. I instantly changed right there in order to drive home. It was 5 minutes away. 

My wedding was gorgeous not only for the décor and venue but the love that overpowered the chaos of being a bride. I will not go into detail just yet about this but wait until I’m ready to tell MY STORY. 

Anyway, during the planning I encountered A LOT of rain. Literally RAIN. So much so my friend said “I wonder what rain means for you”. Initially I said to piss me off! My last wedding dress fitting day started so peacefully I mean AMAZING I was up at 4 a.m. worked out, took baby girl to the dog park, did something for my now husband, and managed to clean some things. Then as I headed towards the bridal shop the rain started. It rained hard, thundered, sprinkled, DAWG, I was in a damn monsoon. LOL  I did however notice that it seemed to flow with the chaos of the moment. I was in the car with my sister friend and 2 god children (love them down my girls can TALK), I went to the wrong location because they had the same addresses only difference you may ask Kansas City, MO & Kansas City, KS (dis is why we KCMO be upset when yall say the wrong place ) I was absolutely annoyed. It slowed when I took some moments and regulated or when my friend or  sister called providing me answers to situations I didn’t know I needed answered. 

Fast forward 3 months, it’s a Sunday on Sunday’s we go to the Paseo stairs at 7 am and get a solid workout in with some necessary community healing time. 

Now we know how I feel about rain at this point but my friend and I decided to go to the stairs even though they were canceled. We were prepared with our rain gear headphones and just needed to get these 10 rounds done. 

With every round it felt like I was having to do something that gave me some comfort. I kept looking at my friend and as we were working out she was motivated to get it over with so was I but the difference was I was in a triggered state that felt like a threat. When I zoned completely in I noticed every part of my body and what was happening. Most significant thing was my hands were in my pocket clenching onto my clothes so tightly they hurt. Then her words kept ringing in my head “what does rain want/mean to me”. 

That was swirling but I needed to bring myself out of this threat mindset. I unclenched my hands and brought them out of my pocket to get some of the rain, I took off my hood and let the rain hit my locs, and it was like spirit and God were speaking to me all at once “Cleansing. The rain is letting me know I need an empathy cleansing”.

I said it out loud and then I played in the rain I was moving. It felt like a renewal of some sort. I was then talking to myself and just cheerfulness. The most hilarious moment happened when she noticed and then said “I didn’t hear one word you said”. I laughed because while she was the one that asked the question. She had no idea this rain thing was a “little t trauma” for me but she was also the reminder I was safe. 

3 takeaways if nothing else…

1. Community. You need people. My people during these rains provided me with a safe space to understand some shit you just can’t avoid but you have people in your corner to give you security. Nice to have it within yourself but having it amongst TRUSTING people. I couldn’t have made it this far without them. 
2. Big T traumas and little t traumas are real! What triggers you doesn’t trigger others and vice versa. Some traumas we can collectively agree on which are “Big T’s” and some my rain and being wet “little t”. Hold space for people to feel or experience what they got going on. If you cannot be a support or a help, leave them. 
3. Trigger vs Threat. Triggers exist amongst us every single day. Literally no one can tell you if you’ve been triggered or not. It’s up to you to do some work to be able to identify if you’re in danger. Take my clenched hands in the rain for example. I was absolutely triggered! My damn clothes were wet and my hands hurt. Also, I wasn’t 5 or so again and I was okay. I made the choice to be outside. 

I still have a love hate relationship with rain but I know it’s just providing me with an empathy cleansing. What is your “rain”?